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Plan for blended family bonding and unity

When single parents fall in love and plan to blend their families, they sometimes fall prey to a narrow view of what to expect. Love sometimes does that. It makes us feel like everything is okay now. Good thing, too, because otherwise, many people might never attempt to build one blended and unified step family out of two groups of people who come with so many personal issues. Building a blended family comes with its own set of challenges, and if you are to succeed with yours, you must plan early and plan well. The plan you set in motion is the foundation on which your blended family will be built.

Mental preparation for new blended family relationships

Think about your step family relationship goals, not just the relationship with your new blended family partner. Many new couples are so focused on their own happiness they do not realize that others may not be so happy about the planned blended family.  It is important to set aside your blissful feelings long enough to realize that everyone has a lot of hard work ahead of them.  For instance, think about how your relationship with your children will be affected when you become part of a blended family, and make plans to help ensure the effects are positive ones. Think about what kind of relationship you wish to build with your step kids, and how to achieve it. Think about how you might form a cooperative and positive relationship with the ex-spouse of your new partner; he or she will ALWAYS be in the mix when it comes to planning for your blended family.

Get organized and get organized early in your step family

Before you and your new love merge your two families, have some serious talks about how you plan to manage your blended family. Your first discussions may involve a comparison of disciplinary styles, and a negotiation for revisions that will suit everyone. Changes in household rules are often easier to accomplish prior to the actual blending of your families.  Establish house rules that assign household chores, behavioral guidelines, and disciplinary tactics. You should decide whether step parents will discipline step kids and under what circumstances immediate action would otherwise be justified.  You will need to discuss how you plan to manage co-parenting of non-custodial children, visitation schedules, and financial obligations.

Your blended family is not a practice run

Please be sure you are committed to your new relationship before involving your children. Many couples believe that living together first, to see how well everyone gets along, is a good idea. Rather than being a cautious move, this is dangerous strategy. Dangerous not only because it provides an easy exit for acceptable relationship failure, but it puts the hearts and minds of your kids at risk. They have already suffered terrible losses and experienced more changes than they deserve. Please protect them from an unnecessary loss by knowing your own minds before forming your blended family. A blended family can only thrive and survive if its managing adults are stable role models and leaders.

Talk with each other about your plans for the future. Think about what is best for you, and for your children, and make decisions based on careful consideration and solid decision-making for the long run. You may decide that trying to form a new blended family at this time in your lives may be more detrimental than helpful to the development and security of your kids, despite your affection for each other.  On the other hand, you may know in your heart of hearts that you are ready to take on the special challenges inherent to blended family life, and have the commitment and dedication necessary to hang in there through good times and bad.  You are confident that your special relationship can provide a loving and constant foundation for the blended family your children need. Love sometimes does that, too. If you need additional help, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching. We’re here for you.

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Blended family unification takes preparation and dedication is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Blended family meetings are good for you

Not many of us were brought up in families that held meetings, so it is understandable if some of us are not very keen on the idea of meeting regularly as a blended family. Yet, virtually all blended family or step family experts strongly advocate holding family meetings, and holding them on a regular basis! Let’s remind ourselves why regular meetings are necessary and how blended family members can benefit from them.

Why are blended family meetings necessary?

Meetings are vital to blended families because our members do not yet share common history, rituals, or memories, and we have not established methods of resolving differences, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Blended family members cannot draw on the slowly evolving understanding of each other and of the family dynamic in the same way first families can. Plus, the stressful combination of loss, divorce, change, loss, remarriage, and more change present in a blended family makes it imperative for step family parents to help their merged families cope with everyday life. Blended family meetings are also a great way to learn effective communication skills.

How else can family meetings benefit a blended family?

Blended family meetings, like them or not, represent our best chance of finding out how our kids are doing with everything we have thrown at them. The family meeting is our best chance at getting feedback on how well we are doing as parents and as step parents. It is our best chance to make a positive impact on the bonding processes that step parents, step kids and step siblings are all undergoing simultaneously. A blended family meeting is an excellent reinforcement of parental authority and leadership, and a wonderful exercise in cooperative living among people who care for and respect each other.

Meetings with the step family help manage family issues

Set aside a specific time each month for a regularly scheduled blended family meeting, to stay in touch and to address family problems. The most successful blended families have a plan for conflict resolution in place from the very beginning so that each member of the step family knows what to do when a problem arises. Family meetings, when handled properly, are a great way to resolve family conflicts.  Family meetings are not bitch sessions, nor are they a forum for fault-finding, blame-laying, or kitchen sink recitations of pet peeves. The family meeting, as a source of conflict resolution, works best when only one subject is addressed at a time, and there are established rules to let everyone know exactly what to expect.

What your family meeting may look like

The key to a successful blended family meeting is that the parents in each family establishes their own rules.  What works for you is correct for your blended family, so be open and flexible and mold your method of conflict resolution to your own group of individuals. That being said, you might agree that anyone in the family who is upset can request a family meeting, and that when a family meeting is called, everyone must attend, no excuses.  A date and time is set for the near future, and everyone attends.   It is a good idea to have the person with the problem speak first at your family meeting, explain their concern, and then invite family members to honestly help find ways to solve the problem.  The goal is conflict resolution, not additional conflicts, so no one is allowed to lose their temper, call names, or lay blame; if someone does, everyone asks them politely to stop it.  The goal of the family meeting is to look for solutions together, and everyone stays at the table until everyone agrees on a solution.  A successful family meeting is orderly, good natured, and addresses one problem at a time.

If the idea of a family meeting still seems trite or contrived to you, give it a try anyway. Not everyone is comfortable taking part in a round-table discussion that may touch on hurt feelings, anger, frustrations, fear, concerns, or complaints, but these are the things that help make up every blended family – yours, mine, and everyone else’s. Let your blended family meetings teach your kids how to face and deal with difficult issues calmly, intelligently, and with grace.   If you need additional assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching.

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Design your blended family meetings is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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From a reluctant extended blended family member

These words may sound a little familiar to you: I resent being a part of the blended family my ex-spouse has created. I never imagined my kids living in a step family, or myself either, for that matter. Since our divorce and his remarriage, the kids live with me half of the time and the other half with my ex and his new wife. This makes me a not-so-happy participant in his new step family. Because we share custody, my ex-husband and I discuss the kids on a regular basis, but we usually talk on the phone so it is relatively painless. What has always been really difficult, though, is being in the same room with my ex and his new wife, like at school or sports events for the kids. I am looking for blended family advice on how I can avoid having to see them together as a couple, and seeing her with my kids.

Your ex-spouse is not an ex-parent

Your ex-spouse may no longer be your spouse, but he or she will forever be the other biological parent of your children. It is easy to understand why you find it painful to be around your ex-spouse. However, when you both attend important events in your children’s lives, you are there as Mom and Dad. Your being ex-spouses is irrelevant.  Each time you head out the door to support your kids, remind yourself that this event is not about you, not about your ex, not about his or her new spouse; your feelings about either of them does not come into play. When you focus on your role as parent, it all gets easier.

Redefine your relationships

Here is a hint to make dealing with your ex easier: stop thinking of them as your ex-husband or ex-wife. When you refer to your ex-spouse in conversation, use the only title that now matters: my kids’ dad, or the mother of my children. At the same time you begin to think of your ex-husband or ex-wife as a parent your kids love and need in their lives, also redefine his or her new spouse. They are no longer your replacement, the cause of your divorce, or however else you may have labeled them. This person is now your child’s step parent, and it is in the best interests of your kids that you make peace with this reality. Blended family kids whose parents get along do much better personally, socially, emotionally, and develop healthier relationships as adults. You can help your kids accept and feel at ease with their new step parent by showing them how it is done

Coping mechanisms in a blended family

It is important that you and your ex, and the step parent of your kids, learn how to be comfortable in the same room together. Children generally want their parents in attendance at events like graduation, marriage, childbirth, and other important milestones in their lives. Parents who cannot get along well enough to attend these events without high levels of drama or suffering are sometimes not invited.  So the time to learn how to cope is now. Here are some ways to make your encounters with your ex-spouse and new partner bearable.

• Wear something you look great in. Smile.
• Take a friend along so you have someone to sit next to and chat with. Often, seating assignments come in blocks for family members.
• Visualize talking with them. Yes, you absolutely must make polite conversation with your kids’ other parent, and with his or her spouse. Talk only about the kids.
• Give yourself a reward for having undergone the ordeal.

If you are resentful of the blended family you find yourself in, consider how your kids feel. They did not ask for a step family arrangement, either. Do your best to set aside your personal feelings when it comes to helping your kids cope with blended family issues, and take advantage of school and sports events to practice getting along with your former partner and his or her new spouse. Nothing makes delivering a great performance on the field or on the stage feel even better to a kid than seeing his divorced parents making an effort to get along, for his sake. If you need additional assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching.

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My divorce forced me into becoming a blended family member is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Preparing for your blended family vacation

Family vacations are good for helping your blended family grow closer and to create memories together. Whether you and your blended family can arrange to leave town for a few days or a few weeks, or can only manage only day trips to fun destinations, take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy each other in a new environment…  doing something different. Planning a vacation that will satisfy all members of your blended family can be a challenge.  Communication, cooperation, negotiation, and sensitivity are needed to accommodate step family partners and step kids or step siblings.

How to plan a blended family vacation

• First, set a budget and a time frame.
• Second:  know what interests everyone in your blended family, and what kinds of activities they consider to be fun. As managing partners of your blended family, you and your spouse may want to take charge of all vacation decisions; you may also wish to ask your kids for suggestions within prescribed parameters, or to choose between two or three options you present to them.

Be prepared for conflict and other issues in your step family

If it is appropriate to your kids, discuss behavioral expectations before leaving home, including limits on cellphone and digital game usage, suitable clothing, allowable purchases, and how, where, and with whom they may spend personal time. Many parents of teenagers find that permitting earphone use at certain times, but not during meals or group activities, is a reasonable compromise that allows a little private time for the kids but makes sure they are engaged when you want them to be.  If you feel rules and expectations need to be a bit tighter on vacation than at home, explain your reasoning and your concerns. Traveling can be stressful for some blended family members, so be sympathetic and generous, but be sure to stick to family guidelines about acceptable behavior toward each other. Discuss possible consequences for breaking family rules, outlining penalties to be imposed on the spot, and then once everyone returns home.

Your blended family vacation is for family time

Here is a quick rule of thumb about vacations: if you and your spouse take a vacation together and leave the kids at home, the vacation is all about you two.  If the kids accompany you on a vacation- then the vacation is primarily focused on the kids. Your family vacation is not a honeymoon, or even time for romance. Save adult alone time for when you are alone. Even if you go to a resort that provides babysitting and daycare, make sure your kids spend more time with you than with strangers. Look for opportunities for step parent and step kids to do something together or share an experience.  Also, use blended family vacations for some one-on-one time with your own bio kids; if this is not workable, plan some special alone time later in the school break. Make sure kids call their at-home parent while they are vacationing with you.

Take lots of photographs on your blended family vacation, and create a website, photo album, or scrap book, or print photographs to hang in a growing family picture gallery at home. Mail souvenir postcards to friends, family, and to each other. Buy each other silly and inexpensive gifts that suggest an inside joke. Family outings are all about memories, and memories are the glue that holds blended families together. Go off together, and have a great time.

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Blended family advice for your step family vacation is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Getting to know and trying to get along with my step kids is keeping me on my toes, and is more of a challenge than I had expected. I have been reading about blended families who spend family time with ex-spouses on holidays, and even on vacations, so kids can enjoy a sense of stability and continuity.  I really do want to help make their transition to living in a step family easier for my step kids, but is it really necessary for me to be friends with their mother?

Do a stepmom and biological mom have to be friends

In a word, no. But you do have to put on your big girl boots, put your own feelings aside and put the kids first. If your kids are going to be able to cope in a world of shared custody and revolving residences, you and your blended family spouse, and his ex-wife, need to look at the bigger picture. You do not have to be friends, but you all must be able to function as co-parents.  What is best for the kids is for their parents to be able to manage regular communication, negotiation, and problem solving, in ways that benefit the children. With that in mind, here are tips to help new wives and ex-wives get along.

Have a goal in mind.  Visualize the relationship between you and the kids’ mother. If see yourself arguing with her, or wanting to smack her because she makes you so mad, you can only continue to resent her. You must want to get along with each other.  It sounds simple, but is really the crux of the matter.  People who want to get along make it happen.  People who do not want to get along never manage to.  Picture a working relationship with the kids as your first and only priority

Understand that your step kids already have a mother. Do not try to be their mother, try to take over, or question parenting methods their mother uses. Do not ask your step kids to call you Mom. The kids may feel uncomfortable with it, and their bio mom will almost surely resent it. When speaking to or about their mother, let your step kids hear a respectful tone in your voice.

Make nice

A good way to establish the beginnings of good communication with the ex-wife is to compliment her.

If you think she is a good mother, say so. Tell her you think her kids are great, and thank her for doing a good job with them. Let her hear you speaking kindly of her in front of the kids. Ask her opinion. If you are not sure how to handle a situation, put your big girl boots back on, pick up the phone and ask her what she would do.  Many step moms are afraid to do this, worried it might give the ex-wife an edge; but the truth is, if you ask for help, you might earn her respect as well as some help.

Stepmoms can be part of the solution, not part of the problem

If you and your blended family partner are raising children together after divorce and remarriage, good communication between you and the children’s other parent is not a choice, it is your obligation as parents.  When you marry a man with children from a previous marriage, you promise to do everything you can to support him through life, which means you do not cause him trouble. Your step family needs you to be a part of the solution, not part of the problem. Understand that your husband is tied to his children by more than obligation, and be generous with your cooperation. Never, ever say negative things about his ex-wife when the kids might overhear. Kids have just as much trouble coping with remarriage as they do divorce; being surrounded by positive energy can only make things easier on everyone.

So, whether or not you and the ex-wife get along personally, do your best to create a working relationship that focuses on the needs of your step kids. Stay out of relationship issues between your spouse and his ex, talk her up to her kids, and be available to discuss problems and find solutions. Blended family life has enough challenges. Try to keep communications with your step family counterpart from being one of them. If you need additional assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family for coaching.

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Rating: 10 out of 10 (from 10 votes)

Why step mom should get along with her blended family counterpart is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Co-parenting is fundamental to the blended family

When you and your spouse decided to divorce, your thoughts were filled with coping mechanisms and strategies to achieve the split and help make single parenthood more tolerable. As you both began a new phase in your lives, you recognized the magnitude of life changes, and accepted that you and your ex-spouse will simply have to learn how to be effective co-parents. Unfortunately, as with so many other important life skills, parenting does not come with an instruction manual and neither does parenting during, or after, a divorce. What is available, though, is a long list of mistakes other parents in your position have made before you. Here are a couple of important tips to help you and your kids survive the divorce, and perhaps a remarriage.

Love your kids more than you hate your ex-spouse

The divorce may have been about you and your ex-spouse, but it probably does not feel that way to your children. In your post-divorce dealings with your ex, remember to put your children first and act. When you make things difficult for your ex-spouse, either in a courtroom or in child visitation, you make things harder for your kids. Reassure your children that they are loved by both parents, and that your divorce was not their fault. This is extremely important if you and your spouse ever argued about the kids, on any level. They often believe everything was their fault! Never, ever badmouth the other parent. Hearing you say bad things about their other parent puts your child in a terrible position. To agree with you would be disloyal; to disagree would be equally disloyal and extremely threatening. Also, your kids know you used to love their other parent but now have nothing good to say about them. Kids wonder if you could stop loving them, as well. Let you kids know you love them; let them know you want them to spend time with their other parent; let them know you will take care of them.

Do not put your kids in the middle

Do not use your children as messengers between you and your ex-spouse. Virtually every blended family advice article or website advocates keeping kids as distanced from parental battles as possible. Even if your ex drives you crazy, do the talking yourself. This is not only more effective, but can teach your kids by example how problem solving is done. If you need to inform your ex-spouse that medical bills need paying, child support will be late, or even that a scheduled visitation drop-off will be delayed, do not ask your child to pass on the information.  Adult one-on-one communication not only protects your child from a possible angry response which might be more appropriately aimed at you, it helps reassure your kids that even though mom and dad are divorced, they are still parents.

Visitation is for the kids

Support regular visitation with the other parent. Any action that makes spending time with the other parent easier for the kids is in their best interests.  Do everything you can to accommodate time with the other parent. Visitation is not about your time, or your ex-spouse’s time, with the kids. Visitation is about the kids having time with you. Also, remember to keep visitation totally separate from the subject of child support. One does not pay for the opportunity to spend time with their kids, and kids deserve to spend time with both parents regardless of payment status.

Talk about your problems with grownups

Many divorced parents, mothers most often, proudly say their kids are their best friends. Do not fall into the trap of making your child a caretaker or confidante. Let your own friends, adult relatives, or your therapist be your counselors and sounding board.  Your kids need you to be the parent and take care of them. Do not ask them to take care of you. Also, do not involve your kids in discussions about child custody or support. Your divorce, and perhaps your remarriage, is enough to cope with; hearing that one or another of their parents is unfit or a deadbeat can only make kids feel even more abandoned and insecure.

Aim for stability

If you and your ex-spouse have difficulty talking about the kids on any level, it may be better to forget about shifting the kids back and forth between your two residences, at least for a while, even if you have a joint custody agreement. Also, if you can avoid it, do not move the kids to new schools and new neighborhoods. Stability in their home, school, and social life helps children cope with the losses brought about by divorce and changes resulting from the remarriage.

The best piece of blended family advice for divorced parents? Love your kids more than you hate your ex. If you need additional assistance, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers co-parenting coaching.

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Blended family advice for divorced co-parents is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Blended family step child speaks out

When my parents first got divorced, my mom and I spent a lot of time together, and I think it helped both of us learn to cope with being alone. It was hard, but we managed pretty well. When she began dating, it was kind of fun helping her choose what to wear and talk about where she would go and what she would do. Once she fell in love, though, things changed. We talked less and she went out more. When he came over, I felt like a fifth wheel and spent most of the evening in my room. I waited for them to break up. They didn’t. They announced they were getting married.

I had met his kids and didn’t like them

Mom had been a wreck the day he brought his kids over to meet us, fussing around the house and worrying over dinner. It was almost like she was auditioning for something. I should have known something was up then. She babbled on about his kids, their ages, interests, and told me funny little things she had learned about them. It was clear she was desperate for me to like them. I didn’t. The girl was a little princess. The boy was a brat.

Step family dating

We three kids were dragged along on dates only thinly disguised as family outings. I mean, if you are going to take your kids somewhere, shouldn’t you at least talk to them once in a while? We kids rode the roller coaster while my mom and their dad sat holding hands and smooching.  The princess threw up on my lap and the brat made fun of her until she cried. These two were going to be my step siblings? I hoped they would live with their mother! They did, but only half the time.

Blended family life is half a life

When they were living with their mother, the step siblings only came over on weekends, but half the time they lived with us and visited her on weekends. I cannot tell you how much I looked forward to those weekends. My step brother had his own little bedroom where a storage room used to be. They moved my step sister in with me, even though she is five years younger and will not stay out of my things. Mom said learning to share things with step siblings is good for me. I hate not having my own space anymore.

Get a room

I am old enough to know that married couples like to kiss and hug and that it all leads to sex, and I am okay with that.  It can sometimes be really embarrassing, though, the way they carry on right in front of me as if I were not there.  Their bedroom has a door. I wish they would use it!

My step family consists of me, my mom, my step dad, step brother and step sister. I see my real father some weekends, sometimes during the week. It depends, because he travels. I think he has a girlfriend; I hope she doesn’t have any kids.

Summary

Sometimes it’s nice to hear our child’s perspective when we’re caught up in a new romance or new blended family marriage. If you need help with your blended family, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for help.

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Rating: 10 out of 10 (from 15 votes)

On being a blended family step child is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Blended family finance matters

For some blended family couples, dealing with money issues is not a big deal; but for others, financial matters are problematic.  The fact is, blended family finances matter. They matter a lot. Aside from providing food, clothing and housing for your merged families, step family finances typically entail child support and other court-ordered payments for non-custodial children, alimony, and previous debts and obligations of the parties. It takes understanding, compassion, trust, and lots of communication to manage blended family finances.

Money matters in step families too

Money matters are a common cause of marital stress, and when this stress is piled on top of the usual challenges facing a blended family couple, their relationship can suffer. Take charge of your finances and talk about your needs and goals. Set out a budget, and stick to it. Make plans for the future, and be sure to include inheritance issues and education funds. Being able to talk frankly and honestly about money matters is a basic requirement of a well-managed blended family.

Joint account or separate accounts

The question of whether to merge your investments, savings and checking accounts depends entirely on your situation and your personal preference. Some blended families throw everything into one pot, and are happy with that arrangement. Others prefer to keep finances separate for business reasons or for future distribution to children, and establish a single joint account for household expenses. The only hard and fast rule for blended family finances is that both parties agree on a totally transparent arrangement of how, when, and why money is spent or saved.

Full disclosure

As in all areas of your marital relationship, your blended family finances call for complete honesty and candor. No matter how you rationalize it, if you hide accounts from your spouse, or buy things on the sly, you are lying to your spouse. Is it worth the risk? Betrayal under any name is hurtful and damages your relationship.

Talking money matters with the kids

Let your kids know how your blended family financial situation affects them, taking into account their ages. Explain if money is tight, and talk with them about ways to cope. Be up front about inheritance of property, insurance policies, college funds, and other matters that may or may not have changed with your remarriage. Adult step children often see their new step family as a threat to their inheritance; let them know you are still thinking of their financial futures, too.

Protect your most important asset

Be aware that money pressures can have a negative effect on your marriage, and look for ways to keep your relationship strong because it is your most important asset. Without a strong, mutually supportive bond, the two of you risk losing it all! Stay strong, and keep talking. If you need any additional help, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for help.

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Blended family finances can be sticky is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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Congratulations on your blended family plans

So you and your new love have decided to marry and blend your two families. Congratulations.  As you plan your wedding and look forward to your lives together, give serious thought to how the plans affect your children. Sure, children are resilient and normally adapt to almost any situation, but when it comes to your remarriage and the creation of an entirely new step family, they deserve special consideration and understanding.

Before your blended family wedding

Well in advance of your merge into a blended family, talk with your kids about the wedding, your remarriage, and what to expect from blended family life, in an atmosphere of mutual respect and support. Let them understand that while their participation in your actual wedding may not be required, you will expect their full participation in making the blended family work, and expect them to follow the same set of rules and expectations everyone in the family will observe.

Ceremonies that express commitment to your blended family

Because your remarriage plans include kids, you may wish to consider acknowledging and celebrating the merging of your two families into one during your wedding ceremony.  A clear statement about merging your two families into one can reinforce not only your full commitment to your partner, but your total commitment to his or her children, as well. Making the vows that are central to your marriage can be even more meaningful and special to you and your children when you specifically promise to give your heart to your spouse, your marriage, and all members of your blended family.

Commit to all your children

When there are kids from previous relationships on both sides involved, you may elect to have both partners pledge commitment not only to your role as a spouse, but to your entirely new role as a parent in a step family. It can be quite beneficial for step kids to hear words of your new commitment as step parent, and a reassuring and comforting feeling for your bio kids to hear a renewed declaration of your devotion and commitment to them.

Having kids participate in the wedding vows

When it comes to blended family vows, it is usually in the best interests of the kids to NOT have them speak or take part in the vows, unless of course they themselves ask to participate. It is enough for many kids to simply attend the wedding of their parent and accept the notion of love and support a newly blended family has to offer, without being asked to do something they may not feel comfortable doing – or declining to do. Talk with your kids about the wedding, and listen carefully to what they have to say.  Go online for suggestions for blended family vows with and without participating children, or ask your minister for guidance and suggestions which support your children’s feelings about the wedding.

Make a statement with your blended family wedding. Celebrate your love and commitment to each other with community of friends and family. Tell the world, but more importantly, tell your children, that your new blended family goal is to create an environment of love, support, and mutual respect that can sustain all of you and add an exciting and beneficial new dimension to all your lives. Good luck and best wishes. Don’t forget to get premarital counseling. The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers an approach that is specialized to your situation, and different from the standard marriage counseling you receive. Contact us for more information.

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Rating: 9 out of 10 (from 15 votes)

Make a statement with your blended family wedding is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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How to establish and defend your role as step parent

There is no instruction manual for becoming a step parent; any more than there is a manual on how to be any kind of parent. What kind of step parent you are or wish to become is entirely up to you, your blended family spouse, and how well you both manage to set your own agenda and carry it through. One thing is certain, however: you can expect to hear from all sides about your step parenting abilities or failings.

Not-so useful comments made to step parents

• You are not a real parent.
• You are not a good step parent.
• There are other step parents doing a better job than you.
• You are overstepping your bounds.
• You are not doing enough.
• You are not properly looking out for your step kids.
• You should butt out.
• You are doing that all wrong.

It really is all up to you

If you are partnered with a man or woman with children from a previous relationship, you may have heard some of these observations. But here is an important fact: you are the only person who can define your identity as a step mother or step father. No matter how you feel pushed, pulled, coaxed, or otherwise manipulated, it is still your job alone to figure out how you can best work in this role. No one else is responsible. Many people in your life, including your blended family partner, will want a say in how you define yourself, so you will need self-discipline and clarity as you figure out how to proceed. Not that you should ignore the opinions of your partner, or your step kids to some extent, but you must feel comfortable within yourself and with the scope and reach of your influence over your step kids. Ask for support from friends and your spouse as you feel your way toward a comfortable identity as step parent, and give yourself a break when you find your inner voice being critical.

You are not your relationship with your step kids

There is a big difference between who you are as a step parent and your relationship with your step child. A relationship between two people is a dialogue, and both step parent and step child bring something to the discussion. The more comfortable and stable each person feels, the better their relationship. Who you are as a step parent can create an environment that encourages openness and trust. The simple fact that a step child does not accept your role as step parent does not mean you are a bad step parent.

Take a breath, take a break, and take heart

There is no how-to manual for step parents. How you define and carry out your role as step parent depends on you, your values and your commitment, your compassion and understanding, and your willingness to accept rejection or failure – for the time being. Parents and step parents alike are all in the same boat: we do the best we can with the information we have at hand, and hope our parental choices turn out well. Sometimes we will not be as successful as we would like, and we need to give ourselves a break when this occurs. No one is perfect. When we are willing to accept and even celebrate today for what it gave us in successes and disappointments, we can also be willing to embrace tomorrow for its possibilities. Good luck in your step family. If you need additional assistance, contact The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for coaching.

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Identifying the role of step parent in the blended family is a post from: The Blended and Step Family Resource Center